Moving On After an Affair

Dear Dr. Bill:

Last year when my husband was in a huge need of my support, I fell into an affair. I had an emotional breakdown that led to many bad decisions, and I am having trouble getting over what I did. I know hurt my family terribly, and my husband has made it clear that reconciliation is not going to happen. He says he loves and forgives me, but "we" are no longer in his heart. I've begged him for forgiveness, and I'm really trying to pull my life together and get closer to the Lord. My husband says he loves the changes I'm making in myself, but his answer is still 'No.'

So my question is this — how do I take the first step toward acceptance of this situation? I've been unwilling to let go because I still love my family. I understand that love is choice, so why can't I choose to stop loving my husband? Why can't I stop the guilt and shame that I feel?

— C.A.

Dear C.A.:

Reading your e-mail was heart-breaking. It's clear that you are experiencing a great deal of pain as a result of your actions, and don't know where to go from here.

One of my therapist colleagues here at Focus on the Family, Joann Condie, is an expert on the impact that affairs have on marriages. I shared your question with Joann, and here's what she had to say:

Start by remembering what God thinks about your past sin. In Psalm 51, the Amplified Bible states, "My sacrifice to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, such, O God, You will not despise" (Psalm 51:17). Perhaps you have the head knowledge to intellectually know that God has removed your sin as far as the east is from the west, but your feelings linger.

Believe in your heart the truth about God and his love towards you. When the old feelings return, write them down in a journal and then replace them with the truth.

Study God's word to understand the difference between condemnation from the enemy who says, "You are a horrible, unlovable person," versus conviction from the Holy Spirit. Whenever you are tempted to fall back into false guilt and shame, remember these words from Romans: "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1, NIV).

Consider if you have forgiven yourself; this is often the most difficult step. Some of the saddest situations I know are the Christians who ruminate over "if only this, and if only that." Hindsight is always 20/20, but you are living in the here and now.

Remember, you can let go of what you cannot change (your husband's heart), but you can still love your family. Release your husband and your marriage into God's hands. They never belonged to you anyway, even though we sometimes get a false impression that they do.

Talk to a licensed Christian counselor who will walk you through the grieving process and help you gain insight about the affair, discernment for the future, and help you heal. Simultaneously, join a Christian support group that focuses on recovery.

In regard to your husband, Joann advises this:

I am sad to hear that your husband is exerting his freewill and refusing reconciliation. I am curious how he says he forgives you and continues to love you, but is unable to move beyond his pain to consider repairing the marriage. Building trust back into a relationship after it has been shattered by infidelity is a lengthy process, but doable with Christ at the center of the reconciliation. Is your husband a Christian, and if so, has he already talked to a pastor or Christian counselor? He may not agree to counseling, but I would prayerfully consider offering it.

My thanks to Joann for her excellent counsel. C.A., I pray that you will take her words to heart. Also, I'd encourage you to call our counseling department here at Focus on the Family. One of our caring Christian therapists would be glad to talk to you more about your situation. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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