My Dad Doesn't Like My Boyfriend

Dear Dr. Bill:

I recently turned 20, but I still live at home with my dad. My mother died when I was 2, so it's been just the two of us. My dad and I've had a great relationship until recently, and I'm wondering if you can help.

A couple years ago, I began dating a wonderful man named Eric, and now we're talking about marriage. We've had the typical ups and downs in our relationship, but we keep reading books, praying and trying to do everything right to make sure we're ready. Eric is an amazing Christian, and I feel he's helped me grow closer to God.

The only hitch is my dad doesn't like Eric. I don't think this is about my boyfriend — my dad has always been very protective, and he won't like anyone who would "take away his baby girl." So he's basically impossible to please, and life has been difficult since Eric and I started dating. I love my dad and I don't want to create long-term problems in our relationship. But I also love Eric. What should I do?

— Emily

Dear Emily:

Given your family background, it's completely understandable that your father is having a difficult time "letting go." After all, think about it from his perspective — his wife dies early in his marriage, leaving him to care for a baby girl on his own. It sounds like he never remarried, so you've basically been "everything" to him for the past 18 years.

Nevertheless, you are now a young woman, and he needs to let you transition into adulthood. As difficult as it may be for him, that includes allowing you to pursue relationships and eventually, marriage.

For you, a big part of achieving independence and establishing a healthy separation from your dad will be moving out of the house and living on your own. I don't know what your financial situation is, but I'd suggest you set a goal of getting your own place in the next year. This is important regardless of what happens in your relationship with Eric. In fact, given your background, I don't believe you should even consider marriage until you've been living independently for at least a year. Whether Eric is the best choice for a marriage partner is a completely different issue, but it's one of the most important decisions you will make in your life.

You mention you've had "ups and downs" in your relationship, but you didn't give any specifics. You say that Eric is a great guy, but what are his morals and values, and how does he treat you and other people?

The Bible provides a wonderful list of character qualities that you should look for in a potential marriage partner. In Galatians 5:22, we're told that a person who manifests the fruit of the spirit exhibits qualities like peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Of course, all of us are fallen human beings. That means we often blow it and act in ways that are completely contrary to that list. That's where the Holy Spirit comes in. But if Eric doesn't reflect these qualities, ask yourself if he is truly God's best for you.

Since it's obviously difficult for your dad to be objective about Eric, what do the other people you respect think about your relationship? Talk to the adults you know and trust — like your pastor, your grandparents or your aunts and uncles — and ask them to give you honest feedback about Eric and whether or not he would make a good marriage partner. You might even seek out an older married couple at your church who would be willing to meet with you and Eric and who can provide you with a real-life example of what a healthy marriage relationship looks like.

A book you might find helpful in both your relationship with your dad and your relationship with Eric is Boundaries by Christian psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can order it from Focus on the Family by calling 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

Copyright © 2009, Focus on the Family.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.