My Husband's Questionable Friends

Dear Dr. Bill:

I'm concerned about the friends my husband keeps in touch with from college. Some of these guys are married and some are not, and they frequently plan "boys weekends" or organize parties for special occasions.

What especially concerns me is what goes on at such events. On a trip last year, one of the guys invited a woman to spend the night with him in the hotel room that he shared with my husband and his friends. On another trip, one friend got drunk and was arrested. My husband believes there's nothing wrong with married couples going on separate getaways or spending the night apart for such occasions, but I'm not comfortable with this — it's led to some serious trust issues in our marriage. What do you think?

— Joanna

Dear Joanna:

I think you're right to be concerned. Generally speaking, it's healthy for husbands and wives to spend time with good friends of the same gender. This might even involve a man going on a weekend golfing outing with his guy friends or a woman heading off to woman's retreat with her girlfriends.

But given your description, your husband's "boy weekends" seem to be characterized by drinking, sexual promiscuity and even run-ins with the police. How can this possibly be a good thing — for him or for your marriage?

The larger issue seems to be your husband's choice in friends. The Bible says that "bad company corrupts good character" and that "a companion of fools suffers harm." I've never met these men so it wouldn't be fair for me to make assumptions about their character, but it seems clear that they are engaging in some pretty "foolish" activities.

Your e-mail didn't mention anything about your husband's faith, but if he claims to be a Christian, his closest friendships should be with other men in the church. I'm not suggesting that he cut off his non-Christian friends, but spending "boy weekends" with these guys is definitely not a good idea.

Since his past choices have already impacted the level of trust in your marriage, I'd suggest that the two of you make an appointment with your pastor and discuss this issue. Hopefully he can offer your husband some godly counsel regarding his circle of friends and their weekends away. Your husband may also want to consider signing up for a men's retreat, where he can meet some spiritually mature guys in the church who share some of his same interests.

Joanna, if by chance you and your husband have never accepted Christ as your personal savior, I'd encourage you to visit our Web site and read the article "Coming Home: An Invitation to Join God's Family" located here. Thanks for writing. I pray that God will grant you wisdom and discernment as you work on your marriage.

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