My Adult Son Smokes Pot

Dear Dr. Bill:

Our 19-year-old son has become an advocate for marijuana use, and he believes God thinks it's okay too. Worse yet, he's convinced his 15-year-old brother to use it as well. Unfortunately, my husband and I both smoked pot when we were young — before becoming Christians — which is something our older son reminds us of frequently. So how can we convince him that what he's doing is not only illegal but dangerous as well?

— Lisa

Dear Lisa:

It's obvious you are grieved by your son's actions and want to do the right thing. Here are a few thoughts to consider.

Since your son has become an "advocate" for marijuana use, it's going to be very difficult to persuade him that smoking pot can ultimately harm him. He'll simply cite so-called "experts" who claim that marijuana is safe, that using it can actually be beneficial, and that it should be legalized.

Because your son is now legally an adult, he is responsible for his own behavior and you can't demand that he stop using pot. However, as you mention, his use of the drug is not only dangerous, it's illegal. If he's living under your roof, you have a perfect right to require him to stop using the drug.

Sit down with him (when he's not under the influence) and lovingly let him know that if he insists on abusing pot, he is going to need to find his own place to live. Give him a firm deadline and stick to it. Also, if he's unemployed and you are paying for his living expenses or education, let him know that if the marijuana use doesn't stop, those payments are going to stop.

Also, tell him that if that if you find he has given any more marijuana to his younger brother, you will call the police and report him. Providing an illegal substance to a minor is a criminal offense, and as difficult as it might be to turn in your son, this situation calls for a hard dose of "tough love."

From a theological perspective, your son is going to have a very difficult time justifying his marijuana use. The Bible is clear that we are to be "clear-minded and self-controlled" and not to live in "debauchery and drunkenness" (I Peter 4:3-7). Ask him if he's willing to search God's word together with you, in order to determine how God would want him to live. It might even be helpful to make an appointment with your pastor or your son's youth pastor to discuss the issue more thoroughly.

Finally, to answer your question about your own past marijuana use, don't allow your son to hold that over your head. Lovingly explain that you regret your past mistakes and that it grieves you to see him walking down the same path.

Lisa, I'd suggest that you and your husband read the book Love Must Be Tough by my colleague Dr. James Dobson. It will walk you through the steps you need to take to help your son and help your family. You can order the book by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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