I Don't Love My Husband Anymore

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I have been married for 19 years, and we have two children — ages 13 and 9. But now I don't feel like I love him anymore. I care about him, and the thought of hurting him kills me.

But we are very different individuals — he's quiet, reserved and prefers to stay home watching TV or meeting his friends after work. On the other hand, I'm outgoing; I like to try new things and travel. For years I've tried not to let these differences bother me, but lately everything about him seems to annoy me — to the point I feel I can't live with him anymore. I feel like I'm getting older, and life is still there for the living, but I'm wasting it staying in this marriage.

I've told my husband how I feel, and he states that he's will to try because he doesn't want to lose me. We're still friends, of course, but I really don't love him like a wife should. So what do we do? Stay together for the sake of the kids or go our separate ways?

— Jacqueline

Dear Jacqueline:

I can understand your frustration, but I'd encourage you to back up a bit. When you made your wedding vows, did you promise to stay with your husband "until my feelings change?" Did you write an "escape clause" into your marriage contract that gave you permission to bail out on your relationship if and when you "fell out of love?"

Marriage — and love for that matter — is about so much more than feelings. Our modern culture tells us that marriage is about "self-actualization" and "getting our needs met." But from a Christian perspective, marriage is based on commitment, self-sacrifice and putting our spouse's needs ahead of our own.

Although feelings are important, they tend to change over the course of a marriage. Rather than making a decision to end your relationship based on your emotions, I'd encourage you to use them as a guide.

Your feelings are telling you that your marriage lacks excitement and intimacy. But unless you are in an arranged marriage, it's likely that you were once very much in love with your husband. I'd encourage you to pull out some old photo albums from the days when you were dating, engaged and first married. As you look at the pictures of the two of you together, it's likely that you will recall some of the tender, romantic feelings you once had for your husband.

It's likely that those feelings changed over time because you haven't been intentional about keeping your marriage vital and alive. Relationships, like cars, need regular maintenance. Without it, engines fail — and couples grow apart.

Another marriage-destroyer is a "child-centered" parenting philosophy, which has become very popular in recent years. When kids come along, many couples begin place all the emphasis on their roles as "mom" and "dad," and very little on their roles as "husband" and "wife."

Some women, especially those with less-expressive husbands, tend to put all of their emotional energy into their relationship with their kids during the child-rearing years. By the time their kids enter their teens or go off to college, the couple has drifted so far apart that they barely seem to know each other anymore.

In your case, the good news is that your husband is willing to work on the relationship. Many women who've been married for 20 years would kill for a husband like that. Now you need to ask yourself — are you willing to work on the marriage? If so, the best place to start is by seeing an experienced marriage and family therapist. He or she can help get your marriage back on track, and believe it or not, you may find that feelings you thought were gone forever are beginning to return.

I know of many couples who have been in your situation but made a commitment to save their marriage and enter therapy. They would tell you that their marriage is more healthy, vital and intimate now than it ever was during their first 20 years of marriage.

I'd encourage you to contact our counseling department here at Focus on the Family. One of our compassionate counselors would be glad to talk to you about your situation and then refer you to a licensed Christian therapist in your area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

I'd also encourage you to obtain the book The Power of Commitment by psychologist and marriage expert Scott Stanley. Read it by yourself, and then read it again with your husband, and do the exercises Stanley recommends at the end of each chapter. You can order the book through most online booksellers.

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