My Kids Refuse to Sleep in Their Own Beds

Dear Dr. Bill:

I have a three boys, ages two and a half, nine, and thirteen. When it's time for bed, my older boys don't want to sleep in their rooms. They prefer the couches in the living room, or sleeping bags under the table — anywhere but their own rooms. Sometimes my 9-year-old wants to sleep in my room.

The problem is. I no longer have a place in the house where I can relax and have some quiet time to myself. My husband works 12-hour shifts, so he's not usually around to deal with this, and it's too exhausting to argue with my boys about it every night. What do you suggest I do?

— Shona

Dear Shona:

The solution to your problem doesn't involve arguing with your boys; it involves implementing consequences. Words, reasoning and arguing are rarely effective in getting kids to change their behavior. What will change behavior is some type of positive or negative consequence — in other words a reward or a punishment.

Remember this phrase: "Act, don't yak." If you let that concept guide your discipline, you'll be a lot less frustrated as a parent, and your relationship with your kids will involve a lot less conflict.

My guess is that your boys don't want to sleep in their rooms because it's more fun to do a "camp out" in the living room or the kitchen. It's likely that one of your boys was the instigator, and when he found he could get away with this, his brothers joined him. Now it's become a habit.

What you need to do is to firmly let them know that unless they sleep in their rooms — and stay there for the entire night — they will lose some kind of activity or privilege the next day.

The consequence needs to be something that is very important to them — such as no TV, no video games or no bike-riding. You might need to implement a different consequence for each boy, based on the activity or privilege that they hold most dear.

If the boys break the rules, implement the consequence the next day, and do it calmly and firmly. Don't get drawn into an argument or give in to whining or complaining. Simply take away the designated privilege for the day. Repeat this method every time they fail to sleep in their room for the entire night. If you stick to your guns and your husband backs you up when he's home during the day, it's likely the boys' nightly "camp outs" will cease within one week.

One more thing. I'm assuming that there is no heavy-duty psychological reason that your boys don't want to sleep in their rooms at night. In other words, it's not they feel insecure or afraid, and it doesn't have anything to do with their dad being gone at night. If there are deeper issues in your family and their "bedroom avoidance" is more than just a fun novelty for them, I'd suggest you consult with a family counselor. Our Counseling Department here at Focus on the Family can refer you to one in your local area. If you need to, you can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

Copyright © 2009, Focus on the Family.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.