Dealing With a Deceitful Ex-Spouse

Dear Dr. Bill:

As a Christian woman, how do I deal with my former spouse in an appropriate way? He was unfaithful many times during our nine year marriage. He continues to be dishonest with me and our two young daughters. I have a lot of anger and resentment toward him, but I also know I need to treat him with dignity for our girls' sake. I don't know how to do this since I feel he's not earned any respect. Can you help me find a way to get beyond my own hurt and anger?

— Anna

Dear Anna:

It's natural for you to feel hurt and angry about your husband's past betrayal and his current deception. It's what you do with that hurt and anger that is the key issue.

Ask yourself what your resentment and bitterness is doing to you personally and how it impacting your children. Some people hold on to bitterness because it gives them a sense of power over the person who hurt them. When a former spouse has wronged us, hanging on to resentment can allow us to feel that we are morally superior to our ex, but in the end it only ends up poisoning our lives and harming our kids.

You asked what a Christian should do in this situation. The answer is twofold. First, set up emotional and practical boundaries with your former spouse. To the extent that it is possible, don't allow him to have any power over you or to continue to harm you and your daughters.

At the same time, God calls us to a higher standard when it comes to forgiveness. He tells us that vengeance and judgment belong to Him, not us. He also calls us to give up our right to hurt those who have hurt us, following the example of our Lord and Savior.

When Jesus was on the cross, he could have easily called down a thousand angels and flames from heaven to destroy those who were persecuting him. But instead, he chose to forgive them with his last breath. As humans, we can never hope to approach that depth of grace and mercy in our relationships, but Jesus has given us an incredible model for how to deal with our anger and resentment.

Let me recommend a book that you may find helpful. It's called When You've Been Wronged: Moving From Bitterness to Forgiveness by Erwin Lutzer, the senior pastor of Moody Church in Chicago. You can learn more about the book by visiting our online resource center. I'd also encourage you to call our counseling department to discuss your unique situation. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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