My Daughter and Her Boyfriend Spent the Night Together

Dear Dr. Bill:

Our 16-year-old daughter just admitted that her boyfriend spent the night in our home while we were out of town. She knows she won't be allowed to see this boy again, but what else should we do? We know she needs to be disciplined, but we don't want to push her away or create a reason for her to rebel. Should we show mercy because she willingly told us what happened? Our daughter has always been a good child and never acted like this before. We believe she's truly repentant and realizes the mistake she made. She assures us that "nothing happened" and we believe her. What should we do?

— Dave and Casandra

Dear Dave and Casandra:

Your daughter did the right thing by being honest with you and confessing her mistake. Assuming she is telling you the truth when she says that "nothing happened," she and her boyfriend showed self-control when they could have easily taken advantage of the situation.

In your e-mail you state that your daughter is truly repentant, and you ask if you should show her mercy in this situation. Of course you should. Naturally there should be consequences for breaking the rules and violating your trust, but forbidding her from ever seeing her boyfriend again isn't the answer. That type of punitive action is sure to push her away and create a reason for her to rebel — the very thing you say you don't want to do.

You didn't mention any concerns about the character of this boyfriend. If he has demonstrated positive moral values and has shown good judgment in the past, why would you blacklist him now? After all, your daughter is just as much at fault in this situation as he is.

I believe you should sit down with your daughter, her boyfriend, and his parents and discuss what happened. More importantly, set up some specific guidelines and boundaries for their relationship moving forward. These might include no unsupervised dates, no time spent alone together in homes or vehicles, and a commitment to pursue sexual purity.

Make sure the boy's parents are on the same page, and have your daughter and her boyfriend sign a "behavior contract" that clearly spells out your expectations.

Also, tell your daughter and her boyfriend that you want them to read Joe White's book Pure Excitement: A Radical, Righteous Approach to Sex, Love and Dating. You and your wife should read it too, as should her boyfriend's parents. Then all of you should commit to a regular weekly time to discuss the concepts in the book, perhaps on Sunday afternoons after going to church and having lunch together.

If your daughter and her boyfriend truly care about each other, they shouldn't have any problem with the behavior contract or the reading assignment. However, if they fail to follow through, or if you have major concerns about the boyfriend that you didn't mention in your letter, all bets are off.

Thanks for writing, Dave and Cassandra. I pray that this incident will prove to be a positive learning experience for your daughter and her boyfriend, and that it will draw your two families closer together, rather than drive you apart.

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