Struggling to Keep a Clean House

Have you ever struggled to keep your house clean with a busy family? Trust me — I know it’s difficult challenge! A wife and mother named Heather is experiencing this, and she contacted us recently with this question ...

Dear Dr. Bill:

I’ve My husband and I have four children, ages 9, 6, 4 and almost 2 years old. He’s a full-time faculty member at a Bible college where I’m a part-time student. We’re both in full-time ministry and love working with the students at the college. But we’re having a problem over expectations about our home — and I’m struggling with resentment toward my husband. He loves to have a neat and orderly house and has a tendency to go a little crazy when things are in disarray. I’ll admit that cleaning and organization are not my gifts — I’m much more interested in relationships. I’m very hospitable and want to use our home as an outreach to the students we work with and to the friends of our children. But my definition of what’s presentable and my husband’s differ. And now I feel discouraged, trapped, burned out, and that none of my efforts are ever good enough! I really want to be a godly wife and mother, but these days I feel more like a slave trying to meet unreasonable demands — instead of being an equal who is part of a team. What do you think we should do?

— Heather

Dear Heather:

Let’s review here. You have three kids under 10 years old, including a toddler. You are working in ministry full-time and going to school part-time. Your husband wants a neat and orderly house and feels it your responsibility to keep it that way. What’s wrong with this picture?

You and your husband need to sit down for a major pow-wow session and discuss your priorities and expectations. Basically, you are working the equivalent of two full-time jobs and going to school. If he wants a cleaner, more organized house, he’s going to need to contribute 50 percent to the housework and do it with a cheerful heart.

However, there is a much bigger issue at stake here. Somehow you have bought into the notion that you can "do it all" — be a wife, mother, student, and be committed to full-time ministry to college students. It’s time to take a hard look at your life and decide what’s really important.

My own perspective is that you need to take a break from ministry, limit yourself to one class per semester, and focus on your children and your marriage relationship. If you don’t, your stress, resentment and frustration is only going to get worse and your kids and your marriage are going to suffer.

I’d encourage you to spend some time in prayer and meditation, asking the Lord to show you what His priorities are for your life. You may also want to do some soul-searching about your reasons for trying to "do it all" — could it be that you are linking achievement with self-worth? Are you confident that God loves you and that you are acceptable just the way you are, not based on what you DO?

I’d recommend that you listen to a message on ministry burnout from my colleague Rev. HB London Jr. You can order the CD by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY or by going to parsonage.org and clicking on "Pastor to Pastor."

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