Dating After Divorce

Dear Dr. Bill:

I've been divorced for a couple of years now. Last Christmas I became re-acquainted with an old high school girlfriend who is also divorced. We're both in our mid-40s and don't have any kids. Although we currently live 1,300 miles apart, we were able to see each other for the first time this spring. We felt an immediate connection, and we'd like to pursue a dating relationship. What sort of time frame do you recommend for establishing this relationship and for where it might go in the future?

— Mark

Dear Mark:

First of all, let me tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you are taking such a thoughtful approach to this issue.

To begin with, it's important to note that there are a variety of theological positions on divorce and remarriage. You didn't mention whether or not you are a Christian, but if you are, I would encourage you to consult with your pastor about your specific situation.

You didn't mention how long your old girlfriend has been divorced. If her own divorce was recent, I don't think it's wise to begin dating her at this point. Far too many people jump into a new relationship shortly after a divorce, and they soon find themselves right back where they started — in the midst of another difficult marriage.

If your friend has also been divorced for several years, there's another important factor to consider. Have both of you worked hard to examine the issues that led to the failure of your respective relationships? Do each of you have a clear understanding of why your marriage failed — and have you acknowledged your own contribution to the divorce? If not, you're definitely not ready to move into a new relationship.

You should know that the divorce rate for second marriages is around 60 percent to 65 percent. When couples bring children into a second marriage, the risk of divorce rises to around 80 percent. Since neither of you have kids, that eliminates some of the potential complications, but the fact is, you will still be bringing some past "baggage" into the new relationship.

On a practical level, I'd encourage you to take plenty of time getting to know each other as friends before you allow the relationship to get romantic or physical. You also should get to know this woman's friends and family members which will tell you a lot about her and whether or not you are compatible.

If you find that you share the same goals and spiritual values, and you agree on moving forward with the relationship, I believe it's important for you to live in the same city for a while before committing to engagement. It's never wise to make long-term plans based on a long-distance relationship.

By the way, my friend Ron Deal, a family therapist, has some helpful resources for couples considering remarriage on his Web site, which is www.successfulstepfamilies.com.

Copyright © 2009, Focus on the Family.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.