Avoid Quick Engagements

Dear Dr. Bill:

I am a 19-year-old college student on a full-ride football scholarship. I've been dating my girlfriend for about five months, and I already know this is the woman I want to marry. We are both mature Christians — raised in solid, godly families — and we've both made a commitment to purity before marriage. After much prayer, we've decided we'd like to get married in about 2 years. Since I'm on a full scholarship, my expenses are minimal. My girlfriend is already working full-time, so we also have her income to work with.

The good news is that both sets of parents approve of our plans. But that bad news is my parents disagree about the timing. They think we should wait until after I graduate. My parents have always been strict, and basically controlled my life until college. I think this issue is about their preference rather than facing the fact that I'm ready to make this decision for myself. What do you think?

— Cody

Dear Cody:

It sounds like you and your girlfriend have a good foundation upon which to build a relationship. I also admire your decision to pursue sexual purity. However, at 19-years-old, I don't think it's wise to make a decision about marriage after dating someone for five months.

Your girlfriend sounds wonderful, and she may be just the person God wants you to marry. But God also calls us to cultivate discernment and to seek wisdom.

I believe God reveals truth to us in two ways — through Scripture and through his creation. And one of the ways we can learn about His revealed truth in creation is by looking at research — particularly research on how human beings function.

The research on marriage and divorce tells us that there are several things dating couples can do to build a strong marriage and avoid becoming another divorce statistic. Since you and your girlfriend are committed to pursuing God's best for your lives, let me share a few of those things with you.

First, the psychological research shows that in the first 3-6 months of a relationship, couples are in the "infatuation" stage. During this stage, our brains are releasing chemicals called endorphins, which contribute to a heightened sense of happiness and well-being. Endorphins are the same chemicals responsible for the "high" that many runners feel during a run or immediately afterwards.

During the infatuation stage of a relationship, we are basically "in love with being in love," and we are unlikely to view our dating partner or our relationship realistically. That's why I advise couples, especially younger ones, to date for at least a year before getting engaged. In my experience, and the experience of many successful couples I've met, it's always better to have a longer courtship and a shorter engagement than vice versa.

Research also tells us something important about when to get married. Most people don't know this, but people who wait until they're at least 23-years-old to get married have a much lower divorce rate than those who marry younger.

You didn't mention how old your girlfriend is, but I'm assuming she's around 18 or 19. Although your marriage might work out fine if you marry during college, your chances for success will greatly increase if you give your relationship an extra year or two.

Finally, you can greatly increase your chances for marital success if you commit to a structured, validated premarital counseling program that includes personality testing. One of the best programs available is called "Prepare and Enrich," which was developed by Dr. David Olsen and his colleagues at the University of Minnesota. The relationship test in Prepare and Enrich has an incredible success rate at predicting which couples will have a happy marriage and which couples will be divorced within a few years.

So given all these facts, here's what I suggest. First, date your girlfriend for at least a year before considering engagement. Second, make an appointment with a Christian counselor and commit to premarital counseling before you buy the ring and pop the question. Third, consider the wisdom of your parents' advice to wait until after you've graduated to get married.

Of course, at 19-years-old, you are legally an adult, and you are responsible for your own choices. But I'd encourage you to prayerfully consider this advice before making one of the most important decisions of your life.

By the way, let me recommend an excellent book that you and your girlfriend can read together. It's called Before You Get Engaged by Dr. Dave Gudgel. You can order the book here.

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