Is My Tomboy Daughter a Lesbian?

Dear Dr. Bill:

My daughter is 12-years-old and has always enjoyed sports. A family member once warned me that too much sports and her tomboy-like personality could be signs of homosexuality. But I didn't worry about that because my daughter talked about liking the boys in her school.

Now everything's changed — I discovered that my daughter may be in love with her girlfriend. When I confronted her about it, she sounded confused and started to cry. I don't know what to think. How do I know if my daughter could be turning into a lesbian? And what do I do about that?

— Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth:

The family member who told you that a girl who likes sports will grow up to be a lesbian is dead wrong. The development of homosexuality is a complicated phenomenon, likely caused by a variety of interacting factors.

At 12 years of age, many girls feel much closer to other girls than they do to boys. They share their secrets, their hopes and their dreams with each other. This is not homosexuality — it is deep friendship.

Unfortunately, many voices in our culture — in the media, in the educational establishment, even in the mental health professions — would view your daughter's relationship as budding homosexuality.

Many public schools even offer clubs known as "Gay-Straight Alliances," which are sponsored by a gay activist organization known as the Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network. These Gay-Straight Alliances often reach out to kids going through puberty who are confused about their gender identity, and encourage them to experiment with homosexual behavior.

I believe you should apologize to your daughter for confronting her about her relationship. Tell her you are sorry for jumping to conclusions. Also, let her know that puberty can be a confusing time for everyone — that it even was for you when you were 12. Reassure her that having close, tender feelings for her friend does not mean she is a lesbian. Tell her that if anyone tells her differently — a teacher, a counselor, another student, anyone — she should come to you immediately and let you know.

I'd also encourage to visit the Web site of our partner ministry, Exodus International, and read some of their online articles about this issue. Exodus' Youth Division also offers an excellent DVD for middle school and high school students called The Question of Homosexuality. You can order it online by visiting www.ExodusInternational.org and clicking on the "Book Store" link.

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