When Young Children Steal Things

Dear Dr. Bill:

Our 4-year-old son keeps taking things from church, museums and friends' homes. I think he's just is playing, puts things in his pocket and forgets about it. My husband and I have talked to him several times why this behavior is wrong. We've tried punishing him and have explained what the Bible says about stealing. But he keeps on doing it. What should we do now?

— Angelique

Dear Angelique:

A 4-year-old child tends to respond much better to actions rather than words. Explaining to him that stealing is wrong and telling him that his actions make God sad is important. However, unless you back up your words with powerful consequences, he is unlikely to change his behavior.

You mention you've tried punishing him, but my guess is the consequence hasn't been significant enough to have much of an effect. The punishment needs to fit the crime, and in his case, he needs to know what it feels like when someone takes something away from him that he holds dear.

Let him know that the next time he takes an item from church, a friend's home or anywhere else, you will be taking something away from him. Then, if it happens again, go into his room when he is occupied elsewhere and remove one of his favorite toys, books or stuffed animals.

When he discovers that this cherished item is missing, tell him that you took it away and that he won't be getting it back for a while. In a four-year-olds case, one or two days are probably sufficient.

In addition, the next time you discover that he has taken something that doesn't belong to him, immediately have him return it and apologize to the person he took it from. For example, if he took a toy or book from his Sunday school class, he should apologize to his teacher. In addition, work with his teacher to set up a restitution plan. For example, he might be required to miss out on a fun activity or stay after class in order to help clean up the room

By the way, you mentioned that you believe your son doesn't actually mean to steal, and that he simply plays with someone else's items, puts them in his pocket and then forgets to put them back. If that's the case, this plan should nip the stealing behavior in the bud rather quickly.

On the other hand, there could be deeper issues behind his actions. For example, if he tends to hoard food or if he is an adopted child who suffered early trauma or neglect, you should seek professional help. Our counseling department at Focus on the Family can refer you to a licensed Christian therapist in your local area. If you need to, you can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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