How Do I Protect My Child from Verbal Abuse?

Dear Dr. Bill:

I recently divorced a man who has always been verbally abusive to me. I wonder how to protect our 5-year-old daughter from the same thing. My ex refuses to show me any kind of respect, which has been a difficult thing for our daughter to experience. And he bounces between babying her and expecting her to act like an adult. How do I balance her need to have a good relationship with her dad while protecting her from abuse? And how do I help her understand the truth of what's going on?

— Janae

Dear Janae:

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Verbal abuse can cut very deeply — like someone is sticking a knife in our heart.

You didn't mention anything about the custody arrangements in your e-mail, but I'm assuming that your daughter is spending at least some of the time with her father. Unfortunately, there is very little you can do to control what happens in his home.

You describe your former husband as being inconsistent in the way he parents your daughter. That is a concern of course, but it doesn't constitute verbal abuse.

I'd encourage you to put aside your own feelings of anger and resentment for the sake of your daughter. The best way to help her is to approach your former husband with love and respect. I realize this may be very difficult for you, but your ex definitely won't be open to your input if you come across as defensive or accusatory.

Tell him you know that both of you want the very best for your daughter, and that since she is spending time in two different homes, you feel it's important to get on the same page with your parenting methods.

Ask him if he'd be willing to attending a parenting class with you — perhaps at a local church. If he's not open to that, ask him if he'd be willing to read a parenting book that both of you agree on, and then work together to use the strategies outlined in the book.

Two suggestions for good books on this topic are Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson and Raising Great Kids by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

If your former husband isn't open to any of these ideas, then your only real recourse will be to pray for God to change his heart. In addition, if you do become aware of specific instances of verbal abuse, document what your daughter tells you and then discuss the situation with your attorney immediately.

Explain to your daughter that you and her daddy both love her very much, but that that there may be different rules in your respective homes. Let her know that you understand this may be confusing and frustrating for her at times. Affirm your love for her, and reassure her that she can always come to you during times when she is feeling sad, mad or scared.

By the way, feel free to contact our counseling department here at Focus on the Family. They can gather more information about your specific situation and offer you additional advice. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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