Marrying a Widow or Widower

Dear Dr. Bill:

I've been dating a woman who is a widow, and I'm looking for information about dating and (eventually) marrying someone who has suffered the loss of a spouse. Most of the books and articles I've seen relate to remarriage after divorce. While some of the information seems relevant, I wonder if widowhood puts dating and remarriage in a different context, especially where there are preschool-age children involved. Do you have any advice about this? And can you direct me to resources that can give me more information?

— Kendall

Dear Kendall:

It's encouraging to hear that you're developing a relationship with this woman. My main advice to both of you is to take things slow. As you might expect, marrying a widow or a widower is much different from marrying someone who is divorced. There are far fewer complications — emotionally, financially, legally and spiritually.

However, it's important to understand that when someone divorces or loses a spouse, there can be a tendency to rush into a new relationship — the "rebound effect." This can cause significant problems down the line, as the person who has experienced the loss hasn't taken the time to grieve and heal.

Many marital experts recommend that widows and widowers shouldn't even consider dating for a minimum of one to two years after the loss of a spouse. Since you mention that the woman you're dating has pre-school aged kids, my guess is that she lost her husband fairly recently. If so, I would encourage you to put the brakes on your relationship and keep it at the friendship level for a while. I'd also suggest you consult with your pastor or a Christian counselor about the dynamics involved.

By the way, a good book that explores what God says to us in His word about relationships is Safe People by psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

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