Working Toward Reconciliation After an Affair
My husband had an affair, but we want to keep our marriage intact. What do we do?
Dear Weekend Magazine:
My husband had a one-time affair with a co-worker and struggles with pornography. We are currently separated, though he is working very hard toward recovery. My husband wants to reconcile and so do I. What is the best way to work toward that?
— Anonymous
Dear Friend:
I'm so glad that both you and your husband are motivated to work toward healing and restoration. Unfortunately, many couples are not willing to put forth the effort to put their marriages back together after such a breach in trust. God can heal and restore your relationship, but it will take time and a lot of work on both your parts.
Working with a qualified, biblically-based counselor will go a long way in your efforts toward healing. I recommend that you and your husband meet regularly with a counselor who can help you map out and walk through a plan of what restoration looks like. You need to start at the very beginning, like going on dates and slowly building that trust back into your relationship.
Given your husband's struggles with sexual temptation, I would also recommend that he meet with a counselor or mentor who can help him with personal healing and accountability. Even with the best intentions, he may continue to battle those temptations and will need people around him to help him experience victory.
Finally, don't rush the process. The emotions of wanting to share and renew your relationship sometimes causes couples to skip steps. The trauma that your marriage has experienced needs to heal over time. Skipping steps or reconciling too quickly will lead to unresolved issues and hard feelings emerging later on — when you are less equipped to deal with them.
— Dr. Juli Slattery
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