Teens and Porn

by Dr. Julianna Slattery Few things are more heartbreaking than discovering that your child is involved with pornography. For decades, alcohol, drugs and sex have been accepted dangers of the teenage culture landscape, but pornography has recently become the number one concern of many parents of teens.

Getting in the Game

Equipping your teen to deal with the raw evil of pornography begins by admitting that the problem exists in your own home and community. Do you really want to know if your teen is into porn? Many parents would rather not scratch the surface for fear of the stench they might find. While some parents are naïve regarding what their teens are exposed to, others are privately battling for their own purity.

Resist the urge to give up or turn a blind eye. Begin the conversation by asking, "Do you know what pornography is?" or for older teens, "What do you know about pornography?" While not every teen struggles with the temptation of viewing pornography, every teen has been exposed to it. In today's world, it's impossible to turn on cable television, open the sports page, or surf the web (even innocently) without bumping into seductive and sexually laden images. Whether you teen is simply curious about porn or heavily addicted to it, he needs you to have the courage to enter the battle with him.

Understanding the casualties

Porn is often viewed as a private choice resulting in few external consequences. It's tempting to simply concede this battle to the enemy and rationalize that "at least he's not having sex." Just because no one gets pregnant or gets an STD, don't believe the lie that porn is harmless. Help your teen understand why involvement with porn is so dangerous.

Most kids are exposed to pornographic images before the age of twelve. This means that their first experience with sexual arousal and sexual release is linked to pornography. The damaging effects of this cannot be overstated. Teens learn about their sexuality in the context of dehumanizing men, women and the act of sex itself. Because their minds are so formative, this early exposure lays an unhealthy foundation for their sexuality throughout a lifetime.

Research indicates that pornography is highly addictive, possibly more addictive than crack cocaine. Millions of Christian adults battle daily with the guilt and shame of a porn addiction that began in early adolescence. Pornography also subscribes to the law of diminishing return. What created arousal a month ago no longer excites, prompting the desire for increasingly more erotic material. Serial killer Ted Bundy, in his famous interview with Dr. James Dobson, cited adolescent exposure to pornography as the starting point that eventually led to his violence against women. While your teens involvement in porn is unlikely to result in criminal violence, it will likely lead to sexual acting out and exploitive attitudes and behaviors towards women.

Equipping for warfare

The battle for your teen's purity cannot be won with superficial strategies. Most teens are several steps ahead of their parents' attempts to limit computer access. Restrictions, filters and accountability software often serve as a thrilling obstacle course with a huge incentive at the finish line. If the computer is fail safe, pornographic images can be readily accessed on an ipod, cell phone or at a friend's house.

The most effective tool in helping your teen battle this powerful temptation is your relationship with him. Porn involves a private, embarrassing struggle. The enemy uses the isolative nature of porn to severe relationships and drive home messages of worthlessness and shame. Teens involved in porn often believe that God could never love them or use them. They feel compromised and dirty, but incapable of stopping.

As difficult as it might be, when a parent confronts a teen's porn use with love and honesty, the walls of shame, isolation and helplessness come tumbling down. Your teen needs to know that he isn't the only one struggling. Your conversations about pornography should be enveloped within a healthy ongoing dialogue about sexuality in general. Your teen needs to be reminded that his sexuality is not bad. It is normal for him to want to look at sexual images, and it is not a sin to be tempted. However, explain how there is a battle going on for his heart and mind.

Walking alongside your teen through the struggle for purity may include appropriately sharing about some of your own failures and struggles. Drive home your unconditional love for your teen and your own experience of God's grace and forgiveness.

Claiming the Victory

Paul wrote to the Roman church this promise, "and we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes." All things. Even finding out that your teen is hooked on porn? How on earth can there be victory here?

I believe the battle of pornography has the power to unleash some powerful truths in the life of your teen. Jesus said that He came not to validate the healthy, but to heal the sick. He said that God's spirit envelops the weak, the poor and the infirmed. Within the modern church, we have skipped right past this, especially as it relates to how we parent. Our tendency is to brush aside sin and instead focus on how talented, beautiful and capable our kids are.

Your teen needs to understand that he is fallen, incapable of mastering sin without the powerful presence of God in his life. Pornography just might be the struggle that brings that truth home. Paul was given a "thorn in the flesh," a messenger from Satan so that he might be humbled and so that the power of Christ might be shown through his weakness. Pornography exposes sin and helplessness, both ours and our teen's. It is only when we wake up in the pig stie that we realize how far we have wandered from our Father and how desperately we need His love and grace.

In this self-sufficient, me-centered culture, perhaps God will use your teen's struggle for purity as the road to humility, so that both parent and teen can understand what it means to drink daily from living water.

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