Spiritual Differences in Marriage
Advice on resolving the spiritual differences between a husband and wife.
This month on Weekend Magazine, I'm talking with author Gary Thomas about how men and women express their faith differently. Gary is probably best known for his book Sacred Marriage, though he often speaks or writes on the topic of how our spirituality intersects with our daily lives.
From my experience in counseling, I've found that the spiritual differences between men and women can create problems in marriage. For example, many Christian women experience frustration because their husbands aren't providing the kind of spiritual leadership in the family that they desire or expect. Gary and I explore how this tension impacts their relationship with each other and with God.
Below is a short summary on the same topic from a book I wrote called Finding the Hero in Your Husband:
Lackluster Leadership
One of the greatest paradoxes in marriage is a wife's desire to have her husband lead her, and her unwillingness to follow him when he does. Countless times in counseling, a strong, dominant woman complains that her husband never takes the initiative. Startled, her husband stares at her as if to say, "Yeah right. Like you need a leader!"
Wives rarely realize how often they send these mixed messages. Perhaps this is because many women are not sure what they want. When a man takes the leadership of a home, his wife is likely to have two simultaneous responses. At one level, she is relieved to see her husband's strength. But she may also fear the loss of her independence and will. While begging him to take headship, she may also be sabotaging his every effort to do so. What a no-win situation for husbands!
Keep Yourself from Filling the Void
Something that often keeps a husband from stepping into a leadership role is that his wife is doing such a great job of taking charge. Without realizing it, a wife can assume the responsibility of making decisions and initiating in the family. There is no need for her husband to step up to the plate.
In some cases, a woman may be even more capable of leading than her husband. This is often true of spiritual leadership in the family. Many husbands feel dreadfully ignorant of spiritual issues compared to their wives. She knows how to pray better, reads the Bible more and knows all of the Bible stories. Her husband feels so insecure that he shies away from spiritual matters. In his absence, she takes the initiative. The more she leads the family, the more insecure he feels.
A husband will rarely step out as the head of the family if he feels less adequate than his wife. The trick is for a woman to use all of her strength, experience and knowledge to equip her husband to lead. She is a resource for him, not a replacement. She is his able teammate, not his daunting competitor.
There are some cases which demand that a wife step into a leadership role in the absence of her husband's initiative. However, most of the time, wives assume leadership out of their own fear and anxiety rather than out of necessity. One of the most difficult distinctions a wife must make is knowing when to be "silent" and when to "speak." This critical decision over time can have a powerful impact on her husband's willingness to assume his God-given role of leadership in the family.
My husband, Mike, and I have very different personalities. I was the person in school who finished a term paper weeks before it was due. Mike, on the other hand, pulled all-nighters. His way of doing things stresses me out. I am convinced he will forget to pay a bill or follow through on a commitment. But you know what? He has his own way and his own timing of getting things done. His is a very capable leader, even if he does not do things the way I think they should be done. A wise counselor advised me early in our marriage to trust the way Mike operates, even if it does not make sense to me.
Home can either be the safest or the most dangerous place for a man. Nowhere is he more at risk. A husband's vulnerabilities provide the opportunity for a wife to either build or destroy his trust and confidence. Discovering the hero in your husband is a lifetime ambition. A wife's subtle efforts to make home a safe and encouraging place for him will, over time, make an extraordinary difference in the man that he becomes.
Excerpted from Finding the Hero in Your Husband. Copyright © 2001 by Dr. Julianna Slattery. Used by permission of Health Communications, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.