Love Without Compromise
An excerpt from the booklet "When a Loved One Says 'I'm Gay' "
This month on Weekend Magazine, I will be examining a common struggle that many Christians face when confronted with the issue of homosexuality. We may understand that the Bible identifies homosexual behavior as sinful, but when someone we care about — a family member or close friend — claims to be gay, how should we respond?
I hope you have the chance to review the audio segments we recorded with two former homosexuals, Mike Haley and Melissa Fryrear, who now frequently speak on behalf of Focus on the Family about this very concern. I know you'll find their comments very insightful.
I also think the following article can give you some insights as well. It is excerpted with permission from "When a Loved One Says 'I'm Gay' " by Bob Davies, with additional insights offered from Focus on the Family's Gender Issues Department.
Love Without Compromise
Today, an estimated one out of four households is somehow touched by homosexuality. Most Christians want to be a redemptive influence, but many wonder how to show Christ's love without appearing to condone the behavior.
One woman contacted an ex-gay Christian ministry for guidance. "I am going to a family dinner, and a gay cousin is going to be there," she explained. "The family already thinks I'm a 'religious nut.' But I really feel that if I attend, I'll be compromising my Christian convictions."
After a few minutes of conversation, this woman admitted that most of her other relatives attending the dinner were unbelievers — not just the gay cousin. On previous occasions, she had never thought to cancel because of their sinful behavior patterns, and realized that her hesitation came from her personal feelings about homosexuality — not any biblical insights. She had to grapple with the realization that the Bible urges us to be a light where there is darkness, rather than hiding our witness from those who need it (See Matthew 5:16).
Those who self-identify as gay or lesbian comprise approximately three percent of our population. They are our neighbors, coworkers, teachers and fellow church-goers. They are our friends and beloved family members. Homosexuality is one of the most challenging issues facing Christians today — impacting us personally and culturally like never before.
Yet the Church has little idea how to reach gays with the Gospel. And while we know Jesus mixed with the outcasts of Judaism, we often feel ill-equipped to step out of our comfortable churches and share His message of hope and freedom with those who are living homosexually. Perhaps we fear being labeled "homophobic" or "intolerant" by a society that seeks to silence the Christian viewpoint. At the very least we wonder, what would Jesus do?
Homosexuals as a mission field
Like those elsewhere trapped in sin and false doctrine, gays are similarly lost in darkness and have fallen under what Paul describes as a "strong delusion." And while Christians eagerly support missionary efforts around the world to fulfill the Great Commission, Christians often neglect the lost among us in our own communities — including homosexuals.
However, gays are a mission field like any other, and we can evangelize them like other group — by understanding their worldview, beliefs and culture, and by demonstrating love and compassion. And we must approach this mission field like all others — devoting our time, talent and treasure to the cause and training ourselves to purposefully interact with them in a godly and educated way.
Understanding worldview
Until recently, most homosexuals understood that same-sex attractions were fueled by root causes. Beginning in 1991, however, a series of studies were reported by the media as supporting a genetic basis for homosexuality. Because of these reports, most homosexuals today think they were "born gay." And in a culture that affirms homosexuality as normal and natural, they often see no need to change or seek biblical resolution to their condition.
This worldview presents several challenges to Christians who seek to reach homosexuals. Firstly, the conclusion that homosexuality is innate and unchangeable is not true. None of these studies has been shown to be valid or replicable, and other studies indicate people can and do change their sexual orientation.
Secondly, since homosexuality is a developmental condition and gays do not overtly "choose" their attractions, it is difficult for them to distinguish between their feelings and their core identity. Because most see their homosexuality as being who they are, Christians must approach them with great sensitivity — sharing the truth that all humans are tempted by one unchosen inclination or another.
Understanding beliefs
Related to the unsubstantiated "born gay" worldview is the pernicious lie that the Bible does not condemn homosexuality. Sadly, today there are whole denominations that have been deceived by a pro-gay revisionist theology that twists the clear meaning of Scripture and claims homosexual behavior is not sin. Indeed, most people — gay and straight — who embrace homosexuality have found this false doctrine to be what their "itching ears" want to hear (2 Tim. 4: 3-4). And once God's Word is called into question and the moral prohibition against homosexuality is removed, they find no reason not to affirm it.
Since Christians will undoubtedly be confronted with pro-gay revisionist theology while engaging homosexuals for Christ, we must be prepared to effectively rebut it in grace and truth. Upon closer examination, pro-gay doctrine can not be sustained, and resources such as the Focus on Social Issues Web site are helpful.
Understanding culture
Finally, Christians must know that the ground of this mission field can be particularly hard. Perhaps due to the rejection they have experienced, gays — rightly or wrongly — often harbor a victim mentality. While the exterior may appear to be tough, inside they are very sensitive to judgment and are easily hurt. Issues become extremely personal and are often emotionally charged. And from this victimhood flows a powerful need to be affirmed — by their families, in their workplace, in society at large and now even within religious institutions. Thus, we must look beyond their homosexuality and demonstrate Christ's heart for them as individuals.
As with any mission field, Christians must approach gays and lesbians with their community's worldview in mind. Just as Jesus befriended us in our sin and rebellion, we, too, must befriend the homosexuals God strategically places in our lives. We must get to know them personally and learn to see beyond the sin to the individual in need of the Savior. Like all missionaries, we must diligently pray that veils of deception would be lifted and hearts softened to repent and receive the freedom and transformation that comes only in Christ — the relational solution to our relational problems.
Witnessing to a gay relative or friend
As you share God's love and truth with those you know who are living homosexually, here are a few things to keep in mind.
See a person, not a homosexual
Your friend is a man or woman with complex fears, hopes and needs. Look beyond the "gay" or "lesbian" label to the whole person inside. Rather than seeing your friend as a homosexual, think of him or her as a person with a homosexual problem.
Be willing to listen
Often, an individual involved in homosexuality has been deeply wounded by well-meaning but ignorant Christians. Many former homosexuals recall being in a gay pride parade and hearing shouted insults from church people standing on the sidelines. "Who would want to follow a God like the one they're displaying?" they wondered. It was not until sincere, kind and understanding Christians befriended them and took the time to get beyond their "pro-gay" facade. In time, they each were led to Christ.
Point your friend to Jesus, not to heterosexuality
Women or men caught in homosexuality cannot change on their own; they need the power of Christ working in their lives before the change will occur. Often, they have little motivation to change until God opens their eyes to His truths. As He begins the healing work in them, He will highlight areas in their life which must be surrendered to Him.
Do not expect to know all the answers
You do not have to become an expert on all aspects of homosexuality before you can be a godly influence on your gay loved one. When discussing the issue, it is okay to say you do not know, but you will find out and get back to them later. (Then do it!) God's love working through you will change his or her mind, not winning an argument.
Give hope for something better
Be the bearer of good tidings, not just the announcement that a certain lifestyle is sinful. Although the Bible is clear that homosexual practice is against God's pattern for humankind, 1 Corinthians 6:11 gives clear evidence that gays can change.
In addition to this article, Focus on the Family has a booklet available called "When a Loved One Says, 'I'm Gay.'" This resource can be ordered online or by calling 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).
For more information about a global ministry that helps men and women overcome homosexuality, contact Exodus International (contact information in the "Referrals" section below). For example, they have dozens of testimonies of men and women who have overcome homosexuality. You can then use those stories as discussion-starters in future conversations with your loved one.
Referrals:
I hope you have the chance to review the audio segments we recorded with two former homosexuals, Mike Haley and Melissa Fryrear, who now frequently speak on behalf of Focus on the Family about this very concern. I know you'll find their comments very insightful.
I also think the following article can give you some insights as well. It is excerpted with permission from "When a Loved One Says 'I'm Gay' " by Bob Davies, with additional insights offered from Focus on the Family's Gender Issues Department.
Love Without Compromise
Today, an estimated one out of four households is somehow touched by homosexuality. Most Christians want to be a redemptive influence, but many wonder how to show Christ's love without appearing to condone the behavior.
One woman contacted an ex-gay Christian ministry for guidance. "I am going to a family dinner, and a gay cousin is going to be there," she explained. "The family already thinks I'm a 'religious nut.' But I really feel that if I attend, I'll be compromising my Christian convictions."
After a few minutes of conversation, this woman admitted that most of her other relatives attending the dinner were unbelievers — not just the gay cousin. On previous occasions, she had never thought to cancel because of their sinful behavior patterns, and realized that her hesitation came from her personal feelings about homosexuality — not any biblical insights. She had to grapple with the realization that the Bible urges us to be a light where there is darkness, rather than hiding our witness from those who need it (See Matthew 5:16).
Those who self-identify as gay or lesbian comprise approximately three percent of our population. They are our neighbors, coworkers, teachers and fellow church-goers. They are our friends and beloved family members. Homosexuality is one of the most challenging issues facing Christians today — impacting us personally and culturally like never before.
Yet the Church has little idea how to reach gays with the Gospel. And while we know Jesus mixed with the outcasts of Judaism, we often feel ill-equipped to step out of our comfortable churches and share His message of hope and freedom with those who are living homosexually. Perhaps we fear being labeled "homophobic" or "intolerant" by a society that seeks to silence the Christian viewpoint. At the very least we wonder, what would Jesus do?
Homosexuals as a mission field
Like those elsewhere trapped in sin and false doctrine, gays are similarly lost in darkness and have fallen under what Paul describes as a "strong delusion." And while Christians eagerly support missionary efforts around the world to fulfill the Great Commission, Christians often neglect the lost among us in our own communities — including homosexuals.
However, gays are a mission field like any other, and we can evangelize them like other group — by understanding their worldview, beliefs and culture, and by demonstrating love and compassion. And we must approach this mission field like all others — devoting our time, talent and treasure to the cause and training ourselves to purposefully interact with them in a godly and educated way.
Understanding worldview
Until recently, most homosexuals understood that same-sex attractions were fueled by root causes. Beginning in 1991, however, a series of studies were reported by the media as supporting a genetic basis for homosexuality. Because of these reports, most homosexuals today think they were "born gay." And in a culture that affirms homosexuality as normal and natural, they often see no need to change or seek biblical resolution to their condition.
This worldview presents several challenges to Christians who seek to reach homosexuals. Firstly, the conclusion that homosexuality is innate and unchangeable is not true. None of these studies has been shown to be valid or replicable, and other studies indicate people can and do change their sexual orientation.
Secondly, since homosexuality is a developmental condition and gays do not overtly "choose" their attractions, it is difficult for them to distinguish between their feelings and their core identity. Because most see their homosexuality as being who they are, Christians must approach them with great sensitivity — sharing the truth that all humans are tempted by one unchosen inclination or another.
Understanding beliefs
Related to the unsubstantiated "born gay" worldview is the pernicious lie that the Bible does not condemn homosexuality. Sadly, today there are whole denominations that have been deceived by a pro-gay revisionist theology that twists the clear meaning of Scripture and claims homosexual behavior is not sin. Indeed, most people — gay and straight — who embrace homosexuality have found this false doctrine to be what their "itching ears" want to hear (2 Tim. 4: 3-4). And once God's Word is called into question and the moral prohibition against homosexuality is removed, they find no reason not to affirm it.
Since Christians will undoubtedly be confronted with pro-gay revisionist theology while engaging homosexuals for Christ, we must be prepared to effectively rebut it in grace and truth. Upon closer examination, pro-gay doctrine can not be sustained, and resources such as the Focus on Social Issues Web site are helpful.
Understanding culture
Finally, Christians must know that the ground of this mission field can be particularly hard. Perhaps due to the rejection they have experienced, gays — rightly or wrongly — often harbor a victim mentality. While the exterior may appear to be tough, inside they are very sensitive to judgment and are easily hurt. Issues become extremely personal and are often emotionally charged. And from this victimhood flows a powerful need to be affirmed — by their families, in their workplace, in society at large and now even within religious institutions. Thus, we must look beyond their homosexuality and demonstrate Christ's heart for them as individuals.
As with any mission field, Christians must approach gays and lesbians with their community's worldview in mind. Just as Jesus befriended us in our sin and rebellion, we, too, must befriend the homosexuals God strategically places in our lives. We must get to know them personally and learn to see beyond the sin to the individual in need of the Savior. Like all missionaries, we must diligently pray that veils of deception would be lifted and hearts softened to repent and receive the freedom and transformation that comes only in Christ — the relational solution to our relational problems.
Witnessing to a gay relative or friend
As you share God's love and truth with those you know who are living homosexually, here are a few things to keep in mind.
See a person, not a homosexual
Your friend is a man or woman with complex fears, hopes and needs. Look beyond the "gay" or "lesbian" label to the whole person inside. Rather than seeing your friend as a homosexual, think of him or her as a person with a homosexual problem.
Be willing to listen
Often, an individual involved in homosexuality has been deeply wounded by well-meaning but ignorant Christians. Many former homosexuals recall being in a gay pride parade and hearing shouted insults from church people standing on the sidelines. "Who would want to follow a God like the one they're displaying?" they wondered. It was not until sincere, kind and understanding Christians befriended them and took the time to get beyond their "pro-gay" facade. In time, they each were led to Christ.
Point your friend to Jesus, not to heterosexuality
Women or men caught in homosexuality cannot change on their own; they need the power of Christ working in their lives before the change will occur. Often, they have little motivation to change until God opens their eyes to His truths. As He begins the healing work in them, He will highlight areas in their life which must be surrendered to Him.
Do not expect to know all the answers
You do not have to become an expert on all aspects of homosexuality before you can be a godly influence on your gay loved one. When discussing the issue, it is okay to say you do not know, but you will find out and get back to them later. (Then do it!) God's love working through you will change his or her mind, not winning an argument.
Give hope for something better
Be the bearer of good tidings, not just the announcement that a certain lifestyle is sinful. Although the Bible is clear that homosexual practice is against God's pattern for humankind, 1 Corinthians 6:11 gives clear evidence that gays can change.
In addition to this article, Focus on the Family has a booklet available called "When a Loved One Says, 'I'm Gay.'" This resource can be ordered online or by calling 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).
For more information about a global ministry that helps men and women overcome homosexuality, contact Exodus International (contact information in the "Referrals" section below). For example, they have dozens of testimonies of men and women who have overcome homosexuality. You can then use those stories as discussion-starters in future conversations with your loved one.
Referrals:
- Focus on the Family Counseling
You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459). - Exodus North America
P.O. Box 540119 Orlando, FL 32854
888-264-0877
www.exodusinternational.org - National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH)
16633 Ventura Boulevard, #1340
Encino, CA 91436
818-789-4440
www.narth.com
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