Learn How to Avoid Falling for a "Jerk"

At one time or another, you have probably thought about that old saying "love is blind." It might have been in the face of that miserably mismatched couple; or when your best friend forgave his or her partner the hundredth time for the same crime; or when you finally saw the warning signals of the person you stayed with way too long!

The accumulation of experiences like these lead you to wonder if you could ever ... follow your heart without losing your mind! In other words, is there really any explanation for why love is blind? Do we have any hope for learning how to avoid falling for a jerk (or "jerkette," for jerks come in both genders)? The answer is a resounding ... yes!!!!

Much, if not all, of what a person will be like can be clearly predicted during dating. For years, while conducting counseling sessions with relationally confused and hurt clients, Dr. John Van Epp searched through self-help books and thousands of pages of research on the premarital relationship and the predictors of marital satisfaction. He gleaned many valuable principles and insights from his previous pastoral positions, his counseling practice and his teaching experiences with graduate students in seminary. However, he did not find any author who organized this plethora of information into an easy-to-use pictorial model which would portray the delicate balance between your mind and heart.

Your mind needs to know what to look for in order to shape an accurate profile of the person you are dating. And your heart needs to know how to keep proper balances between the bonding dynamics which form the closeness and connection in your growing relationship.

Two of the most common remarks Dr. Van Epp heard in counseling are: "I should have known better ... " and, "I saw it when dating, but I just overlooked it ... ."

These regretful reflections reveal the two most prevalent sources to an unhealthy, "blinding love." The first, as indicated in the first remark, is an underdeveloped understanding — too many people simply do not know what to look for when dating. The second source of the love-is-blind phenomenon is an overdeveloped attachment of the heart. In this case, too many singles simply do not know how to keep a dating relationship in balance.

It was these two needs which led Dr. Van Epp to develop a plan to follow in a dating relationship that harmonized the head and the heart. Based upon a thorough review of research pertaining to this subject, the PICK (Premarital Interpersonal Choices & Knowledge) Program clearly and humorously describes the five relationship dynamics or links that form the closeness in a relationship and must be kept in balance as a relationship grows. These include what you know about someone, the depth of your trust in that person, the ways that you rely on him/her, the extent of your commitment to that person and the extent of your sexual chemistry and touch.

In the bold section below, you can see these five dynamic links represented by five sliders that move up and down — indicating the degree and intensity of each link in a particular relationship.

Each of these five dynamics has a range of bonding influence in a relationship. The level of each one, however, must be kept in a balance with the others in order to insure that your attachment does not override your awareness of the signs of future problems.

For instance, the extent that you know someone should set the ceiling for the degree of trust you place in that person. And the level of your trust should set the extent that you look to that person to meet personal, physical and emotional needs that you have. The level of your commitment to a person should not exceed the ways that your reliance has been tested and proven. And the extent of your sexual touch should remain less than all of the other four relationship links.

By keeping intentional boundaries on the right side of this model (your commitment level and the extent of sexual touch), it forces your relationship to grow in the left side (how you know, trust and rely on someone). This makes a relationship a structure that promotes maturity and character development because the focus is on becoming trustworthy and reliable while getting to know a partner more deeply.

When an imbalance does occur, then unhealthy attachments result and you move into an "unsafe zone" in the relationship (just imagine moving any of the relationship links of the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model) significantly higher than any of the others which are to the left). The rule of thumb for staying in a safe zone is the degree or level of each dynamic link should never exceed the level of any of the previous links. Healthy relationships grow from left to right. But when they become imbalanced then you will find yourself betrayed by your own heart and are vulnerable to unsafe over-attachments, vulnerabilities and distorted judgment.

To accurately predict what a person you are dating will be like in marriage, five areas must be thoroughly investigated. These are the areas to "get to know" in the first bonding dynamic — you can think of them like a drop down box under the first relationship link know:

"F" Family Dynamics and Childhood Experiences
"A" Attitudes and Actions of the Conscience
"C" Compatibility Potential
"E" Examples from Other Relationships
"S" Skills for Building and Maintaining Relationships

This program, referred to as How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk(ette), or the PICK Program, is presented in a five-hour video series with participant workbooks. Dr. Van Epp's book, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, published by McGraw-Hill, blends in-depth research with humorous stories to develop this same map for making healthy relationship choices with 10 core chapters — one on each of the five links of the RAM and the other five chapters on the FACES.

There is also an Instructor Certification Packet that enables individuals who would like to teach the program to watch a certification course on DVD in the privacy of their home. It comes with all of the instructor materials needed to teach the program in settings with youth through adults. This can be purchased from the online store at www.nojerks.com.

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About Dr. John Van Epp:

John Van Epp, Ph.D., is a therapist, former adjunct professor, author and lecturer, and the President and Founder of loveThinks, LCC . He is known for his humor and insight as he conducts numerous speaking engagements in addition to his instructor training courses. His twenty-five years of clinical experience and extensive research in premarital, marital and family relations have paved the way for his programs to be taught in thousands of churches, singles organizations, educational settings and social agencies in all fifty states, ten countries and by more than 2,500 military personnel. His book and relationship courses have been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Time Magazine, Psychology Today, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan. He has appeared on the CBS Early Show, The O'Reilly Factor, Fox News, and "Focus on the Family." He has been happily married for over thirty years and is the proud father of two daughters.

loveThinks, LCC , is an organization dedicated to providing counseling, seminars, trainings, curricula, books and other resources that facilitate individual and relationship health. These resources include the PICK course (also called How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk) and the Marriage LINKS course, both of which apply the innovative Relationship Attachment Model to choosing healthy partners, building balanced relationships, and keeping marriage and family relationships strong and growing. The Marriage LINKS and PICK programs are presently being taught by over five thousand instructors internationally.